I am feeling so sad right now. My dad messaged me this morning saying the place he works is giving him a free 4 day trip to Disney and he wants to take me and my brother, but I am still much too sick to be able to go. When I was growing up we were always pretty poor so we never got to take real vacations or go to Disney and all that jazz, and it was alright, I understood. It's never been something I've been too sad or regretful over.
But now that it's actually something that is happening, and it should have been a huge happy wonderful surprise, and I'm too sick to go. I feel like this stupid sickness is ruining everything. It's been almost 2 years since my POTS symptoms reached a bad enough point to where I am often not well enough to leave my apartment, and it's been even longer if you count the few years where my symptoms gradually got to that point. This stupid stupid sickness has caused me to lose the best and most enjoyable job I've ever had, I missed being able to say goodbye to my grandpa when he suddenly became sick and soon after passed away (and I hadn't been able to visit for the past 2 years due to being sick too), my once best friend got engaged and is planning all her wedding things and not only can I not be her maid of honor or one of her bride's maids, I probably wont be able to even go to her wedding. And that's if I even get an invite, because with me being so sick and unavailable and with her being overworked at her very stressful job, we have drifted quite a bit. I've drifted apart from pretty much all of my friends really, both in rl and online. While I do have a few amazing wonderful people who are still definitely my friends and still make an effort to check up on me and say hello every once in a while, being this sick and depressed and with my brain fog messing with my ability to think, talk, and understand things really messes with my ability to connect with people.
So then I'm mostly just left here, all alone in my quiet little apartment, day in day out, winter spring summer and fall, very sick, tired, and bored out of my fucking mind, with nobody to talk to but my dog. And while I'm not getting worse health wise, I'm not getting any better either, and it doesn't look like that's going to change any time soon.
Well thanks for listening to me vent. I try not to do it on here very often anymore, but I just needed to get some of this out. Sorry I don't have better and more hopeful news for everyone. I hope you guys are all doing well.